Live (Dean, The Requiem)

So I decided to repost some ads up on some personals boards. Dean, oddly enough, was the first person to hit me up. He worries me sometimes… or rather,lately. Due to some fairly painful lessons learned this year I am more than aware that… you just can’t go back, no matter how desperately your mood swings may try to convince you… you can NEVER go back. With Dean, there has always been that inkling, that pin prick of hope. However, as of date, the compulsion to be with him seems foreign and misshapen. We’re friends. We could be good friends. I could be convinced to kiss him on a lonely, drunken night. But as for the day-to-day process of maintaining a monogamous romantic relationship… I keep getting images of a rogue elephant clopping through Times Square in New York, a fish awkwardly skipping it’s delicate sides across a hot desert, Sara Palin being offered a membership for Mensa… it just doesn’t seem palatable, or imaginable or…"right". Dean and I just don’t work like that. Sometimes I wish that we do. At this point, however, the reality of it is way too overwhelming, way too substantial. There is really no need to even go through the mental gymnastics of “What if…” or “Just maybe someday… “or “If only…” For better or for worse, we just don’t work. It’s a square peg that we both have been trying to force into that circle hole for far too long. Neither one of us are bad people. But neither one of us should be with the other one. Not like that at least. Not again.

Though I have this inkling, he’s trying to convince himself otherwise. I have this feeling that, he’s reminiscing a lot about the days when… his peg was… in my hole… and it’s kind of bugging me. He’s bored, he’s lonely… he has way too much time on his hands lately.And there is no way on God’s green Earth I am ever going to set myself up to be his consolation prize ever again. EVER. But honestly, this is a new concept. I have always been his consolation prize all these years. I have always been his “Break In Case of Emergency” boyfriend. He's married now and from what I can tell, the hubby doesn’t seem as if he has the slightest clue as to how to manifest that, it seems as if he has no clue of the sacrifice it takes to keep a true relationship going, the selflessness involved. Look at me… speaking as if I know what the fuck I’m talking about! But seriously, you don’t… you don’t get into a relationship just because you’re lonely and you think you should be in one. You start a relationship because you are ready to give, unconditionally, without excuse, obligation, fanfare or need for reciprocation… you don’t start a relationship because you are ready to get love, you start a relationship because you are ready to give love, and hopefully, if you’re lucky… the person you give it to isn’t a jackass and knows what to do with it. Anyways, that ain’t what happened between these two. They were lonely, they thought the other was cute, and they moved in with each other. His hubby is back to his philandering ways, because that’s what he does. Dean is back to being self-depreciating and hoping I (or some equivalent) will throw some unconditional show of affection his way, because that’s what he does.

What do I do? I wait like a vulture, picking over the carcasses that are left. At least that’s what I usually do. What am I going to do? Live. Wish everybody well, move on… and just live.See what other holes I can get into out there...