So the ex, out of the blue, started to contact me for some particular reason with the implicit need to return my DVDs, which I just found to be odd, all things considering. We eventually had a face to face, the first since my birthday back in October. Turns out since the breakup he’s become somewhat internet savvy and has poured over my entire website as well as all of my journal entries and blogs… including that little Fuck You number. So… I imagine that this is what he read, “Blah, blah, blah, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, give me back my fucking DVDs.”
The conversation afterwards seemed to justify that point as we didn’t really cover any new ground, just regurgitated old shit that has already been established, admitted and apologized for with the bottom line being, the only thing he can offer me at this point is friendship; which took me awhile to sink in and really react to. It’s been three years you know. And in those three years he’s admittedly fucked up so many times and every single time I took him back because at the end of the day I figured a life with him would be better than a life without him. And now, this one time when I admittedly fucked up, he doesn’t offer me that same courtesy, even after I’m literally begging for him not to go, even after he knows he is all I EVER wanted.
Talking to a friend about it, I summate that it was due to a “Pre-Breakup” that happened MONTHS before that I was just not privy to. He started the process of getting me out of his heart back in August or September. So by the time my birthday came around, it was a done deal. And now… he’s COMPLETELY cold to me. He just had all this angst building up in him and the passive aggressive schmuck that he is, just let it fester without telling me until it got to THIS point, where he doesn’t even want to kiss me or touch me… or even phantom the slightest notion of a reconciliation. There’s nothing I can do.
He broke up with me months ago; he just decided to mention it now.
And I think it’s that timeline that’s just fucking with me. Any crying he did, that is if he even cried AT ALL about any of this, happened months ago. It’s just hitting me NOW, and I’m still in the mode of, “We can work this out! Me and you against the world!” He’s months passed that. He’s already planning the NEXT chapter of his life; all of this done without so much as phone call or an email or a postcard letting me know what’s going on, and now that I do, there’s nothing I can do about it. He’s spent the past couple of months developing this thick skin towards me so by the time I hear about it and am trying to win him back; show him how much I want him, how much I need him, how much I love him, how much I would move heaven and hell to make sure that we are cool, it just bounces right off of him. That whole part of him in regards to loving me… died, and he never gave me a chance to save it. If I do have any qualms about this whole thing it would be that... I just wasn’t privy to the process of breaking up. By the time he decided to tell me that he didn’t want to be with me, there was nothing I could do… but listen… and try to figure out what the fuck happened… or if it was even love in the first place if you can shut it off like a valve without even considering turning it back on again… ever.
But what I thought was TRULY, really funny was that in the midst of all of this… what he really thought I truly wanted… was my Incredibles and Black Gang Bang #13 DVDs back.
Now that… is TRULY incredible.
1 comments:
I read the "Fuck You" poem- it's brilliant. It's a shame that the only thing he got out of that was the part about the DVD's.
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